As much goodness and growth I experienced last week through my yoga studies, it was also an extremely difficult week for me personally. I've been struggling with the job situation for 6 months now, longer actually. It's been 6 months that I've been in Connecticut looking for a job, but I've been pondering what I want to do and how to go about doing it since I left for my hike in August 2008. I know very much how I want to feel in my work--happy, fulfilled, passionate, creative, positive, valuable-- but have been floundering in what exactly it is that can provide me with such gratification. Last week I felt as though I hit a low point, feeling entirely defeated and discouraged by my situation. Some wonderful yoga, a special talk with a friend, the continuous unfaltering support of my fella, and a new perspective sent me into the beginning of this week with renewed optimism, ready to make efforts anew to find a job. I felt strongly that things will be ok, and something was going to give. Ironically, this change of energy bore fruit quickly and unexpectedly.
After practice teaching with a woman from the training, she casually inquired about the subbing I've been doing. She asked me if I liked it, to which I replied emphatically "I hate it." With that she offered me a job. Not just any job, but a job aligning with what I have been looking for. She owns a vegan restaurant in town and offered to train me as the assistant pastry chef. I could hardly believe it. I admire this woman and her business for so many reasons, the chance to learn from her is invaluable.
I worked for a couple hours Tuesday morning, and loved it. I came home feeling really wonderful, and that night yoga class was celebratory for me in contrast to all the classes I've done looking for solace and healing. I genuinely feel that it was the energy I was exuding-- that things were going to turn around and I could make it happen-- that opened this opportunity for me. As Linda tells us in class, "The universe rarely offers up what we are not open to receive."
What is perhaps the strangest thing is that though I wasn't really listening at the time, my intuition told me this would happen. I DREAMED I should be baking the night before. Part of the yoga teacher training is about intuition and we have a reading assignment in Judith Orloff's Guide to Intuitive Healing. In the book she talks about using your dreams to access your intuition, and details an exercise where before you go to bed to ask yourself a question you are looking for the answer to, and in the morning before you hop out of bed to recollect your dreams to find an answer. Sunday night, after talking with Low, as I was going to sleep I lay in bed and I focused on asking what I am meant to be doing for work. It is a question I've wrestled with for awhile. That night I dreamed of teaching yoga...and I dreamed of baking cupcakes. In the morning, as I recalled my dreams I figured that I dreamt such things because that is what I've been pursuing recently. I'd recently spent a large chunk of time writing a cover letter to Whole Foods explaining why even though I had no experience that I am the person to be their new cake decorator. For the last week I'd been trying to build the courage to walk into Fusion bakery downtown and see if they'd hire me. I had been googling bakeries in the area to see if any said anything about hiring. I figured the dream was more a result of what was bouncing around my brain than my intuition telling me what was to come. And yet, here it is...training to bake.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
A much needed dose of Low
I'm sitting here, mulling over the words of a valued friend...wanting so badly to take them to heart, keeping them close enough to protect me from what goes on inside me...to take them and use them to make a positive difference for myself. Low is someone who has that magic about him that seems to brighten everything he touches. Spending time with him today was a much needed reminder that there are approaches to life that truly embrace the goodness and wonder that is available if you are open to the possibility that what you envision is possible. In contrast to so many wonderful things I have in my life, I've been dealing with some of the most daunting challenges and questions at the same time. Lately, the burden seems harder to bear and it's taking a toll on my spirit. One of Low's brilliant talents is the ability to express his thoughts and feelings both in writing and outloud, and he had some real insight for me today.
As we sat and talked over lunch, I couldn't help but think how much I needed Low to appear in my life right now, how grateful I am to have him come with sorely needed words of encouragement and faith. I flashed to a thought of Icarus and how this Autumn he reminded me of such an important lesson I learned on the trail, but somehow keep losing... about the people who come through your life as messengers, sharing things you need at specific times. Low was very much that messenger today. I want to believe him that I can grab the world, turn it upside down and shake out the contents for my choosing. ME. That maybe I am different, that I can make it happen. And he's right, the hardest trap to get out of is your mind...it's the biggest obstacle for me...it consumes me.
Even after he's left, and the evening has come and gone, and I get ready to go to sleep I keep coming back to that lunch table. I wish I could remember all he said, the exact phrasing. Despite losing some words, perhaps distorting others in my mind, the sentiment lingers with me. I need to move beyond the fear and doubt and take hold...it's here for me. ME.
As we sat and talked over lunch, I couldn't help but think how much I needed Low to appear in my life right now, how grateful I am to have him come with sorely needed words of encouragement and faith. I flashed to a thought of Icarus and how this Autumn he reminded me of such an important lesson I learned on the trail, but somehow keep losing... about the people who come through your life as messengers, sharing things you need at specific times. Low was very much that messenger today. I want to believe him that I can grab the world, turn it upside down and shake out the contents for my choosing. ME. That maybe I am different, that I can make it happen. And he's right, the hardest trap to get out of is your mind...it's the biggest obstacle for me...it consumes me.
Even after he's left, and the evening has come and gone, and I get ready to go to sleep I keep coming back to that lunch table. I wish I could remember all he said, the exact phrasing. Despite losing some words, perhaps distorting others in my mind, the sentiment lingers with me. I need to move beyond the fear and doubt and take hold...it's here for me. ME.
Friday, January 15, 2010
The week in review...
Full of ups and downs, hopes and frustrations...these are some of my defining moments this week, in no particular order.
I listen to my body and my gut, going to Restorative yoga rather than the stronger Hot Yoga class that would only serve to feed my ego at this point, while further draining a body and spirit that had an intense weekend. Restorative was more than I could hope for, and I leave the studio entirely yoga-stoned for the night. Even my voice is a lower, more grounded octave. Bliss.
I hit a low, breaking down emotionally from a long day of unwittingly hurtful children. I like to think if they realized their behavior was more than frustrating, but truly damaging to an already weak and disheartened spirit, that perhaps they would have acted differently. I leave the classroom feeling powerless, worthless, and defeated. Though I cry all the way home and much of the evening, clouds and a setting winter sun remind me there is hope on the horizon...it will be ok. Solice.
How ironic? Thinking I turned my phone off so as to be unreachable to teach for the day, I sleep a deep, rejuvenating, peaceful sleep...only to realize in the morning that I have forgotten to turn off the phone, I just didn't get called :) Joy.
After a satiating practice with Nykki, I splendor at the bulk food section of Whole Foods, buying whole grains I've never heard of until recently, and hand-pick gorgeous winter root vegetables. I spend the better part of the afternoon dancing around the kitchen listening to long-lost music with solid rhythm lines and back beats while preparing Winter Root Vegetable soup and basking in the feeling of goodness inside me and around me. Satisfaction.
Four days into meditating daily... it feels good... I look forward to it...it's becoming more natural... I like this. Sanctuary.
I sleep restlessly due to preoccupation and dread as to whether the phone will ring calling me to teach. It is only when the clock reads 7:20 when I think I am officially in the clear and am about to settle into a much more relaxed sleep, when through the slits of my eyelids I see the morning winter sky....and I want it. I relish in walking Bismark with the cold in my face, grey and white clouds above me against a sky threatening navy blue in color. Tea and reading greet me at home and Bismark settles in beside me. Peace.
The weekend awaits-- offering the joy of a visit from a dear friend, the nourishment of yoga practice, relishing in the love of my fella, and all that I can't anticipate. Taking it all in.
I listen to my body and my gut, going to Restorative yoga rather than the stronger Hot Yoga class that would only serve to feed my ego at this point, while further draining a body and spirit that had an intense weekend. Restorative was more than I could hope for, and I leave the studio entirely yoga-stoned for the night. Even my voice is a lower, more grounded octave. Bliss.
I hit a low, breaking down emotionally from a long day of unwittingly hurtful children. I like to think if they realized their behavior was more than frustrating, but truly damaging to an already weak and disheartened spirit, that perhaps they would have acted differently. I leave the classroom feeling powerless, worthless, and defeated. Though I cry all the way home and much of the evening, clouds and a setting winter sun remind me there is hope on the horizon...it will be ok. Solice.
How ironic? Thinking I turned my phone off so as to be unreachable to teach for the day, I sleep a deep, rejuvenating, peaceful sleep...only to realize in the morning that I have forgotten to turn off the phone, I just didn't get called :) Joy.
After a satiating practice with Nykki, I splendor at the bulk food section of Whole Foods, buying whole grains I've never heard of until recently, and hand-pick gorgeous winter root vegetables. I spend the better part of the afternoon dancing around the kitchen listening to long-lost music with solid rhythm lines and back beats while preparing Winter Root Vegetable soup and basking in the feeling of goodness inside me and around me. Satisfaction.
Four days into meditating daily... it feels good... I look forward to it...it's becoming more natural... I like this. Sanctuary.
I sleep restlessly due to preoccupation and dread as to whether the phone will ring calling me to teach. It is only when the clock reads 7:20 when I think I am officially in the clear and am about to settle into a much more relaxed sleep, when through the slits of my eyelids I see the morning winter sky....and I want it. I relish in walking Bismark with the cold in my face, grey and white clouds above me against a sky threatening navy blue in color. Tea and reading greet me at home and Bismark settles in beside me. Peace.
The weekend awaits-- offering the joy of a visit from a dear friend, the nourishment of yoga practice, relishing in the love of my fella, and all that I can't anticipate. Taking it all in.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Teacher Training Begins
Yoga teacher training began last Friday. The weekend was charged with positive energy that kept me feeling strong and engaged the whole way through despite the long hours. Friday began with a two hour practice. I felt a bit stiff and cloudy, probably because I was unsure of where the weekend was heading and was feeling apprehensive. Despite initial concerns, the evening was wonderful, culminating in sharing circle where we all had some time to speak. Who are you...why are you here...what do you hope to get from the training...what are your fears regarding it. The group ranges in age from 18 to late 60s. All different life experiences and perspectives, but with a common thread bringing us together--the desire to learn, grow, and open ourselves to new healthier, more whole lives. Saturday and Sunday I felt more receptive to practice, coming out of two more lengthy, strong sessions feeling invigorated and centered. I'm realizing how much I've gained from consistent, vigorous practice. If I weren't going to the studio nearly everyday the toll on my body would have been great. But I felt genuinely good. I don't know when it began, but I've noticed that I am doing much more of the practice with my eyes closed. It feels good to move inward, focusing of breath, movement, and stillness. I can't help but feel proud of myself for no longer feeling the urge to look around the room to see who's there, what they're doing, and thinking about how I compare.
The training offers much more in addition to the yoga and learning to teach. We're learning about intuition, meditation, whole foods nutrition. There's so much I want to know, and I find myself itching to have it all at my finger tips now. So, I remind myself not to get my wheels spinning, and to approach it piece by piece. And so the week has gone, and I've made my work a priority. I'm keeping a food journal, meditating, and working on the reading. Today I made winter root vegetable soup, one of the numerous recipes I want to try.
I'm still not sure what will come of all this. My hopes are high, but I can't attach any expectation to it. There's a lot of work to be done on a lot of levels. But I'm excited about the journey and where it may lead.
The training offers much more in addition to the yoga and learning to teach. We're learning about intuition, meditation, whole foods nutrition. There's so much I want to know, and I find myself itching to have it all at my finger tips now. So, I remind myself not to get my wheels spinning, and to approach it piece by piece. And so the week has gone, and I've made my work a priority. I'm keeping a food journal, meditating, and working on the reading. Today I made winter root vegetable soup, one of the numerous recipes I want to try.
I'm still not sure what will come of all this. My hopes are high, but I can't attach any expectation to it. There's a lot of work to be done on a lot of levels. But I'm excited about the journey and where it may lead.
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