Checking in...online and with myself

A lot has been going on, and only recently do I feel like I'm centering enough to start to process. The last teacher training weekend left me feeling stirred up, but unable to filter through my feelings. I think perhaps that has been a general trend over the last six weeks...not taking time or feeling able to assess what is going on or how I am feeling. So much in the thick of things that I often didn't even realize I was not processing. Training is coming up again this weekend which is likely what has helped snap be back to consciousness over the last week or so. In feeling like I have been behind on my studies, because let's face it--I am a procrastinator, I've re immersed myself in the reading and assignments for the month. The work has reminded me of how important it is to take time to listen to myself and to nourish myself. It's funny how I recognize and value these concepts and yet I easily stray. The phrase "two steps forward, one step back" truly resonates.

I feel myself beginning to wander down the old familiar road of poor body image and it's scary. I do not feel good in my own skin, and I don't want to feel this way. However, the only methods by which I have successfully reshaped my image, physically and mentally, has wrought such emotional damage that I would not consciously travel that path again for fear of all that I've accomplished and built for myself unraveling around. The ill voice in my head is beginning to twist the beautiful, nourishing information I am gaining into distorted methods of self-torture. The idea of lowering or even eliminating my sugar intake is shifting from being born of improving my well-being to reducing caloric intake and losing pounds. The thought that gluten affects me adversely is not merely based in the possibility that I might be intolerant and it makes me not feel well, but that if I drop gluten I would be dropping carbs.

I look to this coming weekend with hope and trepidation. The work is hard and leaves me off kilter, but I have faith in the idea that by making my way through what is challenging on all levels, I will come out the better for the wear.